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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521777">Losing All Sense</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/deltachye/pseuds/deltachye'>deltachye</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Boxing, Angst, F/M, Gift Fic, One Shot, Reader-Insert, Romance, Song Lyrics, Songfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 14:22:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,436</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521777</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/deltachye/pseuds/deltachye</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>[reader x tetsurou kuroo]</p><p>Could I ask of you not to cut into me<br/>Dividing all of my body for me<br/>I was left here to go through all the pieces<br/>Nothing more to spare</p><p>[dw]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kuroo Tetsurou/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Gift Fics</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Losing All Sense</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaientai/gifts">kaientai</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    
  </b>
</p><p>
  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Av-BCG0xjS0">losing all sense - grizzly bear</a>
</p>
<hr/><p><b>When I woke up today I was so bound<br/>
To a memory cut long ago</b><br/>
His first love had been some anime girl, as everybody else’s always is. But his true love?</p><p>That’d been her.</p><p>It had always been and always would be her.</p><p>Dark hair, unbrushed and soft, tangled between his fingers. A smile that was the living embodiment of <em>je nes se quois</em> and sweet orange blossoms in spring. She was sunshine and moonlight all in one girl. Absolutely perfect.</p><p>When they were kids they didn’t know each other as well. Their parents were work partners—something like that—so he knew of her without really knowing her. The name was just a name. He’d never know how important it’d become to him in just a few years’ time.</p><p>Those few years passed, and shit hit the fan. Mix-ups with the wrong crowd in college. A life-changing mistake and hopeless debt. Kicked out of his place for not having the rent. He couldn’t turn tail and go back to his friend and family, not like this…</p><p>…you never really believe in fate until it all aligns.</p><p>It was an accident that they had run into each other on campus. He was making do, sleeping around on benches and sneaking around the security guards. Things had never seemed so <em>bad</em> in his life right now. He’d been a good student, popular, and a talented athlete. Now he’d just been caught rifling through the trash bins for lunch.</p><p>“Tetsurou?”</p><p>
  <em>Fuck. No. Anybody but you.</em>
</p><p>She’d taken him to her dorm, worried, but quiet. He was thankful that she was holding back her questions. He had nothing to say. What <em>could</em> he say? This was the lowest point of his life. There was nothing but shame to share. But, unable to refuse her without looking like an even bigger jackass, he took up her offer and showered—the dizzying sweetness of her soaps nearly had him melt down the drain—and reluctantly shuffled back out to the bedroom.</p><p>“Are you in trouble?” she asked finally, her wide eyes turning up to him. He felt his heart sink and suddenly, all the pent-up fear and dread and self-loathing burst out of him. He wasn’t sure when he had collapsed into her, her smaller body struggling so hard to support him, but he squeezed her tight to his chest like she’d disappear if he didn’t. It had been so long since he felt anywhere <em>safe</em> enough to let loose.</p><p>“It’s okay,” she breathed every so often, her hands running up and down the ridges of his spine. “It’ll be okay. I’m here for you now, Tetsu.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” he all but blubbered, but she shushed him. Pulling back, her face was unspeakably kind.</p><p>“Don’t be. You can pay me back later. I like udon, by the way, just to get you started on some ideas. So don’t worry about it.”</p><p>It’s stupid, right? You meet somebody after ten or so years of not talking. They reveal that they’re a homeless hopeless <em>wreck</em>, and then you take them in anyways, with no questions asked.</p><p>But he has to admit that he’s thankful. If he had to do it all over again just to meet her like this, he would in a heartbeat.</p><p>It just doesn’t make any sense; this ‘love’ bullshit.</p><p>
  <b>I could hear all your words echo on down<br/>
And then my heart rate dropped to a crawl</b><br/>
<em>Tetsurou, come back to me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Please.</em>
</p><p>Sorry, darling. I’d like to—believe me, I want nothing more—but I can’t.</p><p><b>Move too fast<br/>
Here we are<br/>
Can't let go<br/>
Take the past<br/>
Own your scars<br/>
Let it show</b><br/>
“You’ve got to quit.”</p><p>“I won’t.”</p><p>She bit her lip in his peripheral, crossing her arms. Distracted, his finger twitched, and the pain seared through him.</p><p>“Fuck,” he swore through his teeth, accidentally dropping the saline soaked gauze into the sink. The cut on his eyebrow was small but bled torrentially, and after getting nailed in the eye last week, his vision wasn’t doing so hot either. It was all he could manage to make sense of fuzzy blurs as is.</p><p>“You’re coming home fucked up <em>every week</em>. Enough is enough! You can get another job than as a prison guard—”</p><p>“There isn’t another one that’ll pay this well this fast,” he spat back. The guilt struck before he even finished, and he sighed, softening his tone. “I’m not going to be dead weight on you for longer than I have to.”</p><p>“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re not ‘dead weight’? I <em>like</em> having you here. I <em>want</em> you here.” Her hands were warm but stung when they ghosted over the bruises on his face. He resisted the urge to wince so that she wouldn’t pull away and looked down at her, the worry in her eyes making his heart ache.</p><p>“I’m sorry, [Name], but I’m going to see the job through. I’ve only got 10 more weeks to go.”</p><p>“But…”</p><p>“After that, I promise. No more. ‘Kay? So stop giving me those puppy dog eyes. I’m a strong guy. Have a little faith.” He pulled away and pinched her nose, something he did to startle her whenever she started giving him that sad expression that split his soul into pieces.</p><p>“Mmfgghk!”</p><p>“There’s my girl.”</p><p>She rubbed her red nose, scowling somewhat. Turning to the counter, she picked up some first aid supplies, making much quicker work than his own clumsy attempts. She turned to him. Her eyes were glossy in the tell-tale way they always got when she was trying not to cry, and her voice trembled, but she kept a strong face regardless.</p><p>“Let me at least patch you up, okay?”</p><p>He’d rather her not. He’d rather she not see him like this at all. She was so brave, and so strong, and he was weak. But he was tired and sore all over, and he already knew she wasn’t going to back down from this. Finally, he let his eyes shut, the exhaustion sweeping over him.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>
  <b>I keep looking for reasons to come 'round<br/>
To make sense of your internal row<br/>
It's a maze and there's nothing to be found<br/>
It just leads me away from my end goal</b><br/>
<em>You can pay back your debt in 15 weeks if you do something for me.</em>
</p><p>He never should’ve gotten mixed up into that crowd or drank that much. He already knew. But his mistakes were done, and now all he could do was try to fix it, and this seemed like the only way that was happening.</p><p>It’s not like he <em>wanted</em> to do it. But he was tall and big, strong from those years of volleyball, so he could at least manage. The damn shark wouldn’t have called him otherwise. But, fine—only 15 weeks and he could be free. 15 weeks and he could re-start his life with her. He could buy her all the presents he saw in shop windows that made him think of her. He could spend every day waking up by her side and caress her face, ignoring her complaints that her skin would break out with him touching her all the time. He could laugh and smile by her side without guilt. He could become a man she’d actually be proud of.</p><p>He told her he’d gotten a contract as a prison guard so that she wouldn’t question it. That was already weird enough, he knew, but what else could he tell her? The truth as to why he stumbled home, battered with blue cuckoo-birds flying ‘round his head, seeing double? <em>Hey, babe, guess what? I’m a fighter in an underground, illegal boxer ring. No biggie. What’s for dinner?</em></p><p>No. She’d never know. He shrugged the blood-stained hoodie off of himself, spitting clotted blood to the side as the crowd erupted in cheers for round 2. The only way he was making it through this was the thought that he’d go home to her afterwards. Didn’t matter that the man in front of him had fifty pounds and a foot on him—he’d do it all for her. He’d take any hit, throw any match, and fight ‘till he died for <em>her</em>. Clenching his aching, stiffly taped fingers, he took a deep breath and swung.</p><p>It already hurt him enough to lie to her face, but it’d be a worse circle of Hell if she knew what was really happening. She was already worried enough about him; he’d never let her cry over him.</p><p>At least, he had hoped so.</p><p><b>Like a rogue wave you<br/>
Wash right over me<br/>
Losing all sense of what my body could feel<br/>
I was able to drift away from here<br/>
I have lost all control</b><br/>
“Tets—<em>fuck</em>, yes!”</p><p>The heat was so all-consuming that he’d just about lost his mind. His jaw was tight and his face, buried into the humid crook of her sweet, soft neck, was frozen in concentration. His teeth found purchase, knowing it’d mark her, but he needed to hold onto something worldly. His hand tightened around her knee, pulling her closer, deeper. He could feel one hand claw his back, her nails raking his skin. The other had wound knots into his hair, pulling desperately. This was nothing compared to the hits he took in the ring. The pleasure radiated from his core, nearly painful.</p><p>“Come for me,” he growled, mindlessly. “I want to hear you come.”</p><p>She was obedient now, even though she liked to talk back in the day. It was a cross between a frantic whimper and a scream. He didn’t know; it was poetry regardless. She arched into him, bringing them closer still. He let himself go with her, his body jittering uselessly, mind flushing white and blank and pure, all the way until he collapsed on top of her.</p><p>“Jesus Christ,” she laughed, tiredly. “What’s gotten into you today?”</p><p>“You know it’s you.” He rolled off of her, panting for breath, gulping back water to regain his senses. She watched him move with hazy eyes, resting her head on the bend of her arm. She reached out with the other, stroking his hand resting on the bed. He flinched when her fingertips grazed over his reddened, split knuckles.</p><p>“You’ll be done soon, right?” she murmured worriedly. “You said you had a bit over a month left.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“…I still really wish you’d quit.” Her voice shook, and his heart shattered into a million and one pieces. He couldn’t even bear to look at her, knowing that if he did, he would never be able to forgive himself again. “It kills me every time you come home with new cuts and bruises… I worry about you every day, you know?”</p><p>“[Name].”</p><p>“I know. You tell me not to worry, but I can’t help it.” She sat up, her gaze heavy. “I just love you so much.”</p><p>“I love you too. I’m sorry…” <em>That’s why I’m doing this.</em> But the tears were already rolling down her cheeks, and no matter how many he brushed away, they kept streaming from her eyes. Here she was, crying over him. What kind of bastard was he?</p><p>Later, after he tucked her into bed and was sure she was sound asleep, he dug up his burner and called the number. The moon shone onto him, neither a friend or foe.</p><p>“If I win the match and let you take all the cut, will you waive the rest of my debt?”</p><p>“What’s gotten’ into you, kid?”</p><p>“I just want this to be over.” He grit his teeth. “So?”</p><p>“Well… the math adds up to the other five weeks you owe, I s’pose. Consider it done. But, hey; you run away or throw it and it ain’t you that’s dead meat. It’s that pretty little girl of yours.”</p><p>His heart strangled him into distraught silence.</p><p>“[Name], right?,” the man crooned. “Sweet girl. She apparently doesn’t like coffee, which’s all too bad since I bought one for her before knowin’. Waste of a latte. In any case I think she’s into me. You feel?”</p><p>“You stay away from her,” he threatened, but his voice was wobbling with unmenacing tears. “I’ll kill you before you touch her.”</p><p>“Do yer’ job and we ain’t got problems. See you next week, kid.”</p><p>The line clicked. He snapped the phone in half, blindsided by rage.</p><p>This had to end.</p><p>And it would, just… not the way he wanted.</p><p>
  <em>Sorry, darling.</em>
</p><p><b>The cipher walks alone<br/>
The cipher lies so long awake<br/>
She can't help<br/>
One night to lie so long awake</b><br/>
“Where the hell are you, Tetsu…”</p><p>[Name] wasn’t the nail-biter type, but her fingers felt like they were going to bleed raw. The sun had risen, and he still hadn’t come home. This was the first time he hadn’t returned. Every call went straight to voice mail and every text remained delivered. She had half a mind to go out and look for him on the streets, but where could she start? The worry was eating away at her. Should she file a missing person’s report? Should she—</p><p>When there was a knock on the door she practically leapt to it, flinging it open. But her smile dropped when she saw a tall older man, shuffling awkwardly in the hallway. He sighed when he saw her, turning forwards. Her eyes dropped to the officer’s uniform and badge.</p><p>“Hey, miss. Mind if I come in? Let’s sit down.”</p><p>For somebody so witty and charming, he really had been so stupid. And, she was stupid too, for always turning a blind eye and letting this happen—she had known something was wrong from the start, but maybe it was just wanting to believe that he of all people wouldn’t lie to her… so she’d just <em>let it happen</em>. She squeezed his hand, hating how he didn’t squeeze back like he always did. It was deathly cold.</p><p>“Tetsurou, come back to me,” she breathed, the tears hot on her pale, cold skin. He didn’t reply, lying in the bed calmly, wires and tubes sticking out of him every which way. He looked so broken and there was nothing she could do to put him back together. Never had she felt so powerless or <em>alone</em>. She kissed the back of his hand.</p><p>“<em>Please,</em>” she sobbed. “Don’t leave me alone, Tetsurou. Please. I love you so much, okay? I love you so much. Come back home. I’m begging you.”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>
  <b>Just thinking<br/>
“It's too late”.</b>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tumblr: https://deltachye.tumblr.com/</p></blockquote></div></div>
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